Last time I really got to see Natasha was in Oxford. She had come to pick up Mercedes, who was visiting during Adrienne's spring break. On her last day with us, she was insane. I came home from an IVIG treatment, expecting them to be on their way to the airport for the flight home.
Adrienne mouthed the word "run" to me when I came in. I could hear Natasha in her room, screaming profanities at Adrienne and throwing things around . Mercedes sat on her rocking horse, pale and looking very ill. She came to me, asking to do my PT exercises with me, do a puzzle.
At once Natasha came into the bedroom and began accusing me of trying to take Mercedes away, listening to lies that our neighbors created. She vowed she would never let us see her daughter again. No one was going to treat me that way in my own house. I stood up and told her that this was the last time she would ever stay us until she got her act together.
As Natasha strode around the house, hurling profanities, paranoid accusations and so much rage, Mercedes threw herself on the ground and began to cry in pain. When I called to her, she said, "No, I want Mommy to help me!", I got a horrifying glimpse into what her life was like. She had already learned to try to derail Natasha's insane behavior, even to the point of sacrificing herself, just to get her mom back to sanity.
Life without Natasha is difficult for Adrienne, whereas Mercedes hardly even mentions her. But today, when Adrienne was upset, she followed her around, offering her gifts in an attempt to cheer her up. Bits of paper, rocks, feathers, she offered to help her loose the heavy burden Adrienne was carrying.
I yelled at Adrienne and Mercedes went into her room and shut the door. When she came out, she promised Adrienne she would be good now. I hate myself for losing control like that, even more because I hurt them both. Adrienne and I can talk it out, solve the problem, but how can Mercedes learn that it is not her fault or her responsibility?
I feel so ashamed.
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