If I am lying to myself, then I am lying to everyone else

One bottle of beer, pour a shot of scotch and grind a perc in my teeth.

There was a girl at the putney school, her father was a writer, "a big deal."

The writing teacher on campus, frustrated, drunken, would burst into her dorm room late at night and berate her for making him look bad in front of her father by not taking herself seriously.  "you keep making the wrong choices and I pay the penalty."

If this is what you really want, she told herself, then make that you choice, be active.  But if you are allowing this to happen because this will make dad love, you are just giving this guy permission to rape you.  Could it be he needed her hell, that this was how he was fighting his monsters? She wanted to believe the pain and humiliation was love.  The path to her redemption.

when the monster would come out and finally spend itself, I would put it back inside me  the darkest corner of the deepest basement.  There was nothing left to do but try to sink those memories.  I would banish the victims feom my life, not for their sakes, but because of the shame I felt.

Tonight's dream

Battling knofe weilding little child in a tiny space.  Somehow he tricked me into charging into the room, I think because he was attacking someone.

He was faster than me and I knew the only way to get the knife was to concemgrate on grabbing him and not the knife.

My gambit was I could subdue/disarm/kill him before he had a chance to mortally wound me.

Alphaville

French new wave cinema the equivalent of bebop.  That is not an original thought

Evidently, NW filmakers love american hard boiled detective novels (ironically, this uniquely american genre bears a french name, roman noir)

Trenchcoat wearing, gun toting private eye looking Lemmy Caution travels to the galaxy alphaville to wreakchaos, overthrow thetyrannocal supercompiter Alpha 60.

Lemmy Caution is the epitome on manhood, an ultraviolent super sexually charged force that disrupts life in Alphaville like a natural disaster (or maybe he is anarchy?  A modern regicidal agent sent to disrupt the soulless world of logic, science, prudence and something else). Throughout the film, Caution stoicaly dispatches the random assains that seem to materialize out of no where.  He is also constantly  fending off who appear randomly to through themselves at him.

He has no time for these government agents of destruction and seduction.

What book the beatnick was reading ?

Pawn shop robbery

I am a hypocrit.  The worst kind because I know what I am and cannot stop.

I found a beautiful thing once and it changed me; I became a knight with a quest to share the sublime, transcending power of this object with the world.

As I stepped over the sacrificial bodies, mayrters for my quest, I realized I would never fulfill the second promise I made to those lifeless bodies; it would always be mine.

FML

To tell the truth, I had to leave church tonight because I was suddenly wracked with unimaginable pain.  I guess I didn't need to imagine it, I felt it.  What I don't understand is where it came from-why now, after a veryu busy, productive, painfree day is my skin crawling, nerves jangling and I can't focus on anything?

I picked up my stuff, made apologetic gestures, and scooted out of the room, trying hard not to run (not like I can, or maybe I can if motivated) to my car and race home.

Thinking, take another half and I'll be fine.  It was 2 hours early on the schedule I set up, but this could not be denied.  Fuck it, I still had plenty left of my daily dose (40mg, 25 left).

I wanted to take more, at least a whole 10, but talked myself down to just a half when I got home.  Now, 3 hours later, the skin crawls, etc. etc. all over but this time, they are really bad.  The urge is to take a lot, fast, grind it up or chew it, mix it with alcohol, snort it.

Fuck, if I knew a way, I would probably be smoking or shooting.

Showing remarkable restraint, I decide to take one whole 10 mg and swallow it.

I want to call my friend and compare notes on our evenings, did you hurt yourself, too?  Are you feeling what I'm feeling?  Because I am sure you have had your tragedy today, your deep blue low.  How did you fare?  Me?  I'm doing fine now.

Just fine.

Until tomorrow.

Another fucking nightmare

Someone was in the house, maybe.

I was trying to understand what my wife was mumbling in her sleep, "Just explain it to me so I can understand," I begged, "then I promise I won't keep you up," a threat.

She got up and went into the bathroom.  An ambivalent gesture-either she really had to go or she was avoiding me.

No, if she was avaoiding me, she would kick me out like she did lasy week;  accusing me of hurting her.  I tossed and wrestled with myself in the guest room that night.  When had I done it?  Was it sometime when I was in a drugged delusionally drugged state?

In my dream, I suddenly heard music from the living room.  I tentatively started out thedoor.  I wanted to warn her that there may be an intruder.  She gone back to sleep.

When I left the bedroom, I tried to steady myself on the wall and kept telling myself that there was no-one in the house.  I ran nack to the room when I couldn't turn in the lights.  The fear rose in my throat and I felt myself beginning to yell.

The I woke up and walked through the house, chasing the cat off the furniture and stepping over the big, dog, whimpering and growling in her sleep, appearently having her own nightmares