2012 07 30 More fuck you for the fuck

I hate being reminded about how limited I am. Being around people who are better than me really burns. Needing someone like that completely sucks. I mean, yeah, granted, I couldn't do it, and yeah, granted, it needed to be done, and yeah, you are only offering because you are stuck here without a car and are bored, or my traitorous wife asked you to do. It burns.

2012 07 26 Insomnia

I was listening to Coldplay when I heard the words "when you're so tired but you just can't sleep." I love that song and it made me think of this: We were members of the Methodist church in Middle bury. There was a young, female pastor there, I think it was her first church out of seminary. When giving communion, she would greet everyone by name and a special message as she passed them the host, to me she said, "Michael, God loves you." I would invariably go back to my pew, tears running down my face, awed by what she told me. I have said and heard those words countless times, but never felt their meaning more intensely than after those communions. In those moments, the taste of bread and grape juice in my mouth, the most amazing, ineffable sensations surrounded me: light, warmth, a familiar touch, a radiant glowing, golden nimbus surrounded me. God loves you, Amy Morgan.

2012 07 24 12 Hours +

That was how long it has been since my last dose.  At some point yesterday evening, I took on e and a half.

I was doing pretty well with the wd until I had to interact with people.

Oh, and everything was hurting again.  I. Welsh in Trainspotting described junk sickness like a gently flowing see of painful object.  (I think-need to check it) and that it how it feels.

Oh, and Burroughs at one point talked about spntaneous orgasms, that would have been a problem at church this as.  But I have been randy as a three  balled dog.  There have been no leg humping incidents yet.

I decided that it was stupid to go any further when the pain level got so high and every sound, motion, etc. was like a trumpet blare, flashbulb burst in my brain, so I went into the kitchen and started to take one; then split it in two and popped half in my mouth, giving it a couple of quick chews to get it into my system.

Let's see how it goes.

I am starting to think that I am never going to get rid of this, maybe i don't want to be without it.  Not like I ever feel high, but I do feel a certain calmness.  I know I am not being original when i say that I used to have so many problems, now I only have one.

2012 07 16 Dream Karma

Carol was an older woman, probably younger than I am now, at work. After Lynn and I had our acrimonious break up, complete with infidelity, she became my rebound relationship.

I was a monster to her. Part of a pattern. The only good thing I did was repay the money I made her borrow so I could buy drugs. Carol's problem was she was extremely vulnerable. Being open and trusting isn't actually a problem, but it does make it easy to manipulate someone who trusts you. Her life was populated by bad men who treated her horribly.

I never made any attempt to gloss over my selfishness. I didn't want to rescue her or be in anything that resembled a stable relationship. She used to dream about me often, or at least she would say she had a dream about me; suspecting that it was a ploy to manipulate me, I made a rule that I didn't listen to other people's dreams. There was definitely an arc that reflected how she felt about me, at first I was the guy that chased away her monsters, reassured her and gave her security. Then her dreams become obsessed with me, was I sad? Was I angry? Was there some role she could play in my life?

Tonight I had a nightmare. It was a pretty confusing dream. I used to look forward to my dreams, they were fun, sometimes exciting. One time I dreamed I was riding my bike down a hill and lost control; my choices were to brave the busy street at the bottom or crash into a wall. I choose the wall and as it loomed closer, I saw my shadow cast on it, growing larger as I rushed forward. Eventually I realized it was the shadow of my head on the wall at the head of my bed, made by the morning sunlight. It was pretty neat that I could bring my dreams into waking life, however small.

There are plenty of times when I have used that in reverse to save myself something frightening. Once I was being attacked by London After Midnight's Lon Chaney and as I was falling, I yelled “Time to wake up!”

A lot of thought has been given to what dreams are. Interpretations span a vast spectrum of possibilities: portents of the future, expression of our deepest emotions, a glimpse into our deepest, most hidden aspects of ourselves, a fresh perspective on the indecipherable puzzles of everyday life, random, neural light shows, which out brains try to turn into recognizable shapes and behaviors. because that is what brains do.

And then there are the monsters, reanimated corpses that for years have pursued me from places to place, forcing me to fight for my survival.

One night I had a dream that I'd had sex with a woman that wasn't my wife. The over powering guilt that I felt woke me up and for quite a while I was tormented because I had to confess my infidelity to my wife. Eventually I realized that my only infidelity happened in my dream, there was no horrible secret to reveal. I went back to sleep a happy guy.

Tonight's dream was confusing, it made no sense, even for a dream. Eventually I went to bed, which began to move, slowly at first, but it rapidly began to increase, moving about the scenery of my dream. I woke up screaming.

Adrienne held my hand, reassuring me that I was alright. With her other hand, she fumbled with her computer. I expected she was trying to pause her Netflix so she could ask me what happened; she was actually trying to find the place where she fell asleep so she could resume her show.   

2012 07 10 How to unteach something?

Last time I really got to see Natasha was in Oxford.  She had come to pick up Mercedes, who was visiting during Adrienne's spring break.  On her last day with us, she was insane.  I came home from an IVIG treatment, expecting them to be on their way to the airport for the flight home.

Adrienne mouthed the word "run" to me when I came in.  I could hear Natasha in her room, screaming profanities at Adrienne and throwing things around .  Mercedes sat on her rocking horse, pale and looking very ill.  She came to me, asking to do my PT exercises with me, do a puzzle.

At once Natasha came into the bedroom and began accusing me of trying to take Mercedes away, listening to lies that our neighbors created.  She vowed she would never let us see her daughter again. No one was going to treat me that way in my own house. I stood up and told her that this was the last time she would ever stay us until she got her act together.

As Natasha strode around the house, hurling profanities, paranoid accusations and so much rage, Mercedes threw herself on the ground and began to cry in pain.  When I called to her, she said, "No, I want Mommy to help me!", I got a horrifying glimpse into what her life was like.  She had already learned to try to derail Natasha's insane behavior, even to the point of sacrificing herself, just to get her mom back to sanity.

Life without Natasha is difficult for Adrienne, whereas Mercedes hardly even mentions her.  But today, when Adrienne was upset, she followed her around, offering her gifts in an attempt to cheer her up.  Bits of paper, rocks, feathers, she offered to help her loose the heavy burden Adrienne was carrying.

I yelled at Adrienne and Mercedes went into her room and shut the door.  When she came out, she promised Adrienne she would be good now.  I hate myself for losing control like that, even more because I hurt them both.  Adrienne and I can talk it out, solve the problem, but how can Mercedes learn that it is  not her fault or her responsibility?

I feel so ashamed.

2012 07 05 (Movie review) No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself - Friedrich Nietzsche

opening line

PdM's trailer had the look and feel of a post-zombie apocolypse Sile ce of the Lambs but turned out to be so much more

struggle of good v evil in  an immortal cop and a demon who brings about the end of the world

Possession

Brazil-Portugese language original horror film that moves quickly.  Starts with a gunfight and ends with a battle to save what is left of the world.

Beginning with a gun battle between a lone police office and three criminals, Beyond the Grave travels through an empty, and increasingly surrealistic world, populated by  meandering zombies and the human survivors of some grand disaster,  soundtrack and commentary provided by lunatic radio disc jockeys, declaring the end of the world, and ends with humanity's champion, dueling  ultimate evil.

This skillfully made, low-budget, independent horror film from Brazil delivers a thrilling tale that is far too unique in the horror genre.  Just when Beyond the Grave appears to be going over too familiar territory, director Davi de Oliveira Pinheiro and his team fearlessly head into uexpected directions.  I hope this means that, just like France and Japan before it, Brazil is ready to unleash a spate of original and shocking new horror movies.