2012 06 01 Brattleboro, VT

I love driving on Vermont highways at night; they are always almost empty.  It is exiting to cruise up and down the dark corridors, my head lights lighting up the road in front, the glowing reflectors and traffic sign creating fluorescent markers ahead.  I feel like i am piloting a space shape, not lot would ever really know what that is like, but it is amusing to imagine what it would be like.

At the end of my intergalactic journey, I arrived at friend's house where I hadn't been in a while.  It was one of those things where I hadn't been.  The house was a place where I used to go, now it is a place where I have a history of going there.

Oh dear, another post about drugs...

Drug stories

I am not making this up, but I won't vouch for the rest of the links in the chair of custody.

Three college buddies, each with a unique skill set and resources, decided to make a lot of money in a one time venture by manufacturing and selling a massive amount of high quality LSD.

Combing their assets, they secured a place to function as combination lab and factory. The chemist set to work while the contact guy went to the coast to begin negotiations with the biker gangs they were going to sell to.

Once the batch was finished, he set off to exchange the LSD for the suitcase of cash. The others stayed behind and using mops soaked in rubbing alcohol, wiped down every surface of the lab, then set fire to it. The alcohol burned fiercely, destroying everything in the lab and removing any evidence that could be traced to the chemist and his partners.

Within a day, Drug Enforcement Agency agents where sifting for through the rubble, looking for clues to the one time students. As for the students, once they paid off their remaining expenses and split up the rest of the cash, they never did anything like that again.

When my therapist finished telling me this story, I initially thought, “Cool!” But, knowing just a little about these things from (extremely limited) personal experience and lot from reading crime novels, I was certain that this was not the last time any of them tried to do something like that. The world has plenty of corpses from capricious people who thought they could only going to do something once and never again.

It wasn't until years later I thought to ask, “why is he telling me this?”

Notes

 God of destruction as chemist moves about his yard, killing ants w/spray.  Then picking up dog crap, reflectiing on what is life is now that he is middleaged, broke and alone.  He misses is youth and strength.


80 degrees at 10 am


He is about to lose his house, housing crisis. He thinks about the time inb school when he and his friends made a big score, each swearing it was a one time deal.


His friends didn't honor that promise, living lives of adrenanel fuelded chaos-extreme sports, shady businesses  on the fringe of the law, addiction, jail, etc.


Don't forget the cop to prison guard to parole officer continuum of crazy

Big White Cloud (John Cale)

Mercedes told me she sees Natasha in the clouds and her mommy says "I love you" to her.


This is what I wrote at the end

I told you:

I will never love anyone as much as I love you.

The colors of the world will never be has bright,

as vital because you are gone.

We will never watch orange red purple pink over the mountains

Sharing favorite colors with each other

Watching the light and shadows playing off the impossibly huge

and impossibly evanescent clouds

Tybee Island

I knew you saw me staring at you.  You chose that bathing suit, red, white and blue, stars and stripes.  Was I not supposed to look at you?

Songs that make me cry

Sometimes I feel like a glass full of a red liquid, and the slightest shake makes me start spilling. 

I pulled this song out of my archive  of music to listen to someday when I got home after Natasha's funeral.  I was angry and the blunt, harsh, feed back drenched music was a cushion to me.  Once, while walking Eloise, I realized I couldn't see where I was going.  It was because I had started to weep that tears were blurring my eyesight

At night, when nothing else seemed to work, I would listen to this and would be asleep before the song ended.

Sometimes beautiful things threaten  to overwhelm me and  I find myself  in a mind typhoon.  The golden winds of sound sweep around me at gale force while the iron grey emotions swamp  my little boat.

2012 05 04 Tripping (first draft)

get ridd of second person pronouns

clean up repetition of words

So, you feel you at the point in your exploration of recreational drugs that it is time to think about hallucinogens.  This is a big step, hallucinogens are  really powerful in a way that alcohol or dope, even really good dope, have not prepared you for.  It is called a trip because once ingested, you will find yourself on a magic carpet ride that could be really cool or really suck.

Or both. There is a kind of Taoist symmetry to most good acid trips (true story).

2012 05 03 Junk Sick

A neighbor is BBQ-ing.  Ordinarily, the smell of BBQ causes my to salivate in a stimulus-response action that would cause Ivan Petrovich Pavlov to to get a boner.  Nut things are different today.
BI haven't taken any Percocets in the last 24 hours. My body is telling me I am way behind in my daily requirement of narcotics. First there was the pervasive nausea. Then the weird body spasms, and shivers. And finally, my bowels, freed from the constipating effect the pain killer, are now vomiting out my anus